Wild Fiction

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Wooden footsteps echoed above them and a puff of dust left the ceiling and floated down. ‘He’s awake,’ James said. ‘He has to be awake for me to be awake. I’m what’s called a shallow character. His critics have referred to me as cardboard or two-dimensional. “I wasn’t fully developed,” they said. To my knowledge, he’s only ever created one character that was strong enough to stand on his own two feet. That was Conrad and he’s the reason I’m here and back in this basement. Conrad was so well fleshed out and had such charisma and personality that he leapt right out of the pages and escaped. The last I heard he was heading for Africa. We were in a novel together but when Conrad escaped the author stopped writing and that’s how I ended up back here. He’s obviously plotting something because I haven’t been awake for ages judging by the amount of dust that was on me when you woke me.’
‘What was the book called? The one that Conrad escaped from,’ Rebecca asked.
‘Don’t Sleep with your Brother’s Girlfriend.’
‘Is Conrad your brother?’
‘No, Sebastian’s my brother,’ James said looking around the room and rubbing the stubble on his chin. He walked down the row of boxes mumbling while he did so. ‘Here he is,’ he said stopping. Lying in the box, in a foetal position, was a replica of James in almost every way. Sebastian’s body lay perfectly still. Like the bodies on either side of him, he wasn’t breathing. James’s face dropped and his Adam’s Apple slid up and down under the skin on his neck as he swallowed. His eyes glistened and tears formed on the rims but he wiped them away with the back of his hand.
‘I’m sorry,’ Rebecca said taking his arm and rubbing it.
‘Poor old Sebastian,’ James said staring at his brother’s body. ‘The story was such fun. We were dating these identical twins, Juliet and Julia were their names. Sebastian and I shared a flat. I was at home lying on the sofa reading when Julia came around. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex on the sofa. The problem was that I was going out with Juliet and didn’t realise that I’d just had sex with the wrong twin until it was too late. Because Sebastian and I look so much alike, Julia didn’t realise she’d had sex with the wrong brother either until it was all over. The whole story became far too complicated. I couldn’t even work out what was going on and I was supposed to know everything. The reader didn’t have a hope of following it. It was a complete flop. I kept on telling the author to send the pile of rejection letters to the Guinness Book of Records because then at least he’d have his name in print.’

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